So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
