he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
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