Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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