I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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