My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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