The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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