Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
