I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize