We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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