When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
