Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
