I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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