you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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