I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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