what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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