I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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