so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize