so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
