Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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