my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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