I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
