Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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