I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
