Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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