Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
