coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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