Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
