I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
