He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
