I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Enjoy the penises
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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