I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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