A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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