And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
