____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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