Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
