your parents love me but you hate me
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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