I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
