My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
