i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
