i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
