we made out on top of his cat.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
