we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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