watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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