i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
