I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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