I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
