Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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