i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
