The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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