I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Please, let me fuck your mom
You can't special order awesome
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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