I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
