this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
