grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
