Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize