i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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