you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
