Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
