Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
