The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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