so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
