this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We have so much sex to catch up on
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
