I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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