I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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